Thursday, November 5, 2009

trust doesn't come easy for me

How do you know when the past is really the past?  How do you know when someone really won't hurt you again when they say they won't?  And don't say that you have to trust them b/c that is how you get your heart broken over and over again.  At some point you unfortunately have to put up that wall and move on with your life.  It's not easy and it's incredibly sad.  It takes years to build that wall and keep it up.  Sounds unhealthy I know, but in this case the wall needed to be built.
My mother is an addict.
There, I have said it.

The shortest possible version of the story is that she has been addicted to pills since before I was born.  She has been a very good mother and a very bad mother.  My entire life I struggled to not give up on her.  Five years ago I was done.  I moved to Charleston to get space and it was the best decision I could have made.
We had an "episode" a couple of months ago and she is now living with my uncle in North Carolina.  Hopefully she will pull herself together.  This is the best chance she has ever been given.
Do you know any addicts?
If not, you have surely seen House, Intervention and/or all the celebrities out there that have problems.

It's crazy.  Addicts know what they are doing.  In most cases they know exactly what drugs they can mix and match together - what amount of alcohol they can add to it - it's insane!
My mother's drug of choice is Vicodin.

But she adds all kinds of other things to it (including oxycotton) depending on the day.  It's amazing to me how one person can take all that she can without just dying.
And manipulative?  Wow.  She has her two brothers wrapped around her finger.  Whereas they do know she has a problem and they really are trying to help her, she still has them snowed.  She is SO good at blaming me, my dad and my brother on her being so miserable.  It's exhausting.
Reason for this post - I just checked the mail and there was an apology card from her.  Frustrated. 

9 comments:

  1. Jeesh. I don't even know what to say lady. This is awful. I'm so sorry. My Mom is married to an alcoholic and with it comes so much abuse. I can feel for you. Its terrible. I wish there were words to make it all better. I really do.

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  2. I am so here for you. Thank you for being so honest and open. I am not ready to admit it and cannot blog about it bc my family reads my blog but my dad was addicted to pills too and well, what do I mean by WAS. HE IS.

    It is not your fault. You know this, lovey. My dad has accused me of the worst things ever. We did not speak for a year bc he called me terrible names and said my sis and mom and i were all alike - The C word. It's too much. I know you are tired.

    BIG HUG! Know you are not alone. You are strong and loving and deserve to get a break from this.

    You will become a better person bc of her. I know this.

    xoxoxox

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  3. Collins, you are a strong and incredibly good friend. I'm waiving my magic wand and giving you the practice of detachment. I love this from my time when I went to Al-Anon to cope with my Mom's illness:
    On Detachment:
    Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people.
    Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery.
    Not to do for others what they can do for themselves.
    Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink.
    Not to cover for anyone’s mistakes or misdeeds.
    Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
    "Detachment is neither kind or unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person’s alcoholism can have on our lives.

    "Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible.
    LET GO

    "To let go does not mean to stop caring,
    it means ’I can’t do it for someone else.

    To let go is not to cut myself off,
    its the realization I can’t control another human.

    To let go is not to enable,
    but to allow learning from natural consequences.

    To let go is to admit powerlessness,
    Which means the outcome is not in my hands.

    To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
    it’s to make the most of myself

    To let go is not to care for,
    but to care about.

    To let go is not to fix,
    but to be supportive.

    To let go is not to judge,
    but to allow another to be a human being.

    To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
    but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

    To let go is not to be protective,
    it’s to permit another to face reality.

    To let go is not to criticize or regulate anyone,
    but to try to become what I dream I can be.

    To let go is to fear less, and to love more."

    Anonymous

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  4. Thank you my friend for sharing. I don't even know the magic words to say, sometimes just listening is the best at times. My heart goes out to you and many hugs coming your way. xoxo

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  5. Ah, Collins! I'm so sorry. There is no easy answer as you well know. All you can do is trust YOURSELF and do what feels right at the time. It's completely okay for you not to trust your mother... sounds like she hasn't earned that. I'm here for you! xoxo

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  6. Collins you are so brave to post this! I am so proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to open up like this but you are helping others by speaking out. xoxoxox Cheri

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  7. Collins,

    I'm not sure what to say and certainly can't compete with the powerful words posted above, but you are a great person and friend and I'm glad you are finally opening up about this. Without sharing, the healing process [for you] can't begin. By continuing to be open, honest and yourself - things will get better!

    Thomas

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  8. Collins, thanks for opening up and sharing. It takes a lot of guts to put something like that out there, and I believe it is very healing when you finally can.

    You've done the best thing for you by giving yourself space, but it's so hard not to get sucked back in when it's someone you love.

    I'm thinking of you!

    ~ Jen

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  9. I hope it's okay to comment on this, seeing as how I'm so late in reading it and I also knew you in real life many years ago. I just wanted to say I am so amazed by you. I had NO idea you were dealing with this your whole life. It's so incredibly brave to be so open about this. I hope things start to look up for you.

    Side note, did your cat ever come home??

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